I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
