Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
