I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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