# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
How's work?
Spinning.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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