Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
