when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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