God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Sorry my hands just texted you
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
