it's not cheating when I paid for it
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize