Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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