i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
