ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
