I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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