conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
