I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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