how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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