Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize