why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Come share oat with me in your robe
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
