paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
