The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize