First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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