This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
