How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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