Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
