I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
