last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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