Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
