but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
