You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
