Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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