Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Randomize
