you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
