I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
