Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He uses pillows to masturbate.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
