I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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