It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
