I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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