I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
