You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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