Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
