We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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