I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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