I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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