a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
