I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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