I could make wine with my vomit
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
