she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I enjoy the company of your penis
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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