I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
