If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My dick has a subreddit
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
