She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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