Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
