She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
