Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My life is pants optional.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
