Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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