im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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