So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
