I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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