Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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