Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
