I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
