He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
