Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
