his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
