nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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