i jhust puked up my retainher.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
